The three kinds of friendships

Soukeïna Rose
Apr 20, 2020
5 min read

Updated: Apr 23, 2020

During this quarantine, I started to reflect on the different kinds of friendships in my life and on their importance. I realized that relationships are a valuable investment, and therefore, need to be understood better. What kind of friends do I have, or do I want to have in my life? What influence do my friendships have on me? What influence do I have on my friends? As a society, relationships are an essential element of our everyday life, and as a result, can turn out to be a blessing or a curse for each individual.

I had the chance to hear and search for more information about the three different kinds of friendships we can experience and wanted to reflect more on them. So, this article gives my own understanding and perspective on the "utility" friendship, the "pleasure" friendship, and the "virtuous" friendship. Before jumping into each one of them, I must say that I believe that they all have their importance and can lead to healthy relationships if understood well.

"Utility" friendships:

I would say that "utility" friendships happen for a specific reason. They usually start because of the circumstances and last as long as there is a need for something considered useful. For example, at work or at school, we start building connections with people because we meet them regularly and are invested in the same goal (to a certain extent, at least).

By experience, my strictly "utility" friendships are only surface-level friendships, which is not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes for the sake of what is good for us, it is better to keep the friendship at a "utility" level. For example, it can be more challenging to seriously work on a group project with the friends I love to hang out with rather than the random classmates or co-workers near me. Now, from a perspective of building a long-lasting friendship, friendships of utility are the last ones you want! Since they tend to be very superficial and mainly based on what is useful for an individual, they do not provide the foundation required to build a strong, sincere, and healthy relationship. These friendships can, of course, mature into the second or even third kind of friendships but will require more effort and investment to do so.

"Pleasure" friendships:

These are fun! I am talking about these friends you could spend hours with because you are going to the best parties, playing your favorite games, watching your go-to series, or gossiping about the last crazy thing that happened to you... There just never seems to be a dull moment when you're together! I believe that we all need some good "pleasure friendships," yet, it is also essential to know what type of pleasure friendships we want. For a long time, I thought that this kind of friendship was the perfect one, and did not understand how there could possibly be something better! Looking back at it now, I still think friendships of pleasure are important, but I also recognize their limits. First of all, just like the friendship of utility, this kind of friendship is mainly based on something specific we want to get. The only difference is that, in this case, we are trying to get something pleasant out of the other person, and if this thing is no longer there, the friendship starts to fade away. I cannot count the number of friends I made when I was traveling across the globe, with whom I shared some of the funniest moments of my life but also with whom I do not talk anymore today! And it is definitely not because something bad happened, but simply because apart from the fun moments we shared, we were not intentionally investing in a long-lasting friendship. And it is somewhat similar to what happens in romantic relationships that are solely based on "pleasure" friendships... No wonder why so many of us start friendships or relationships as fast as we end them! Now, again, this kind of friendship is still valuable yet, if desired, can effectively develop into the third kind of friendship. The main factor is that both parties must want a virtuous friendship, and learn about the requirements to build one so that they could both act on it effectively!

"Virtuous" friendships:

If you have not figured it out yet, this is my favorite type of friendship! Who said you could not have great friends with whom you could grow in purpose, have tons of fun, and invest in long-lasting and healthy relationships? To be honest, I did not think that was really possible until I experienced it. And the only reason why it took me so long to experience it, was because I didn't know I wanted it! And if I dig a little deeper, I didn't think I wanted this kind of friendship because I was not that kind of friend. I believe that what (or who) we attract depends on who we are and what we want! If I am a bad friend who constantly looks for my own pleasure in other people and do not invest in trustworthy relationships, guess what?... most of my friends will be untrustworthy people who also look for their own benefit! But the worst of it is that I might really miss out on an opportunity to build friendships or a romantic relationship that will last a lifetime!

So what is the main difference between the "virtuous" friendship and the two others? This kind of relationship is rare because it is not based on things but on people. Therefore, it requires respect, love, effort, communication, and continuous investment. Virtuous friendships grow with time; they require both parties to have good values and to freely and genuinely want the best for the other person. The "virtuous" friendship naturally becomes even more pleasant and useful than the "pleasure" friendship and "utility" friendship because it is fully grounded on mutual admiration and support for each other's virtues and aspirations. It is thus, the best form of friendship, especially in the long run!

So to finish, yes, I appreciate all kinds of friendships, but I definitely cherish and invest even more in my "virtuous" friendships! It is such a beautiful and effective way for me to continuously grow in a better version of myself, and to see that growth in the people I love the most... We are growing as a team! It takes some time to start to experience this kind of friendship, but it is not impossible... if you really want it, you can have it, you just have to make an effort for it! And if you find yourself in a position where you desire to experience this kind of friendship but did not have the chance yet, you are already one step closer! I will list a few questions I find useful to reflect on in order to grow in "virtuous" friendships and I hope that sooner than later, you will see a positive shift in your relationships!